


love is for the brave (and crazy)

by Antarctica_or_bust



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Confusion, Crack, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Shovel Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-06
Updated: 2013-04-25
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:24:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antarctica_or_bust/pseuds/Antarctica_or_bust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo gets the shovel talk from every member of the company.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fíli

“So I see you've been spending a lot of time with my brother lately.”

“Well, yes. Kíli has taken me under his wing a bit. He's teaching me what I need to know in order to keep up with the rest of you and I think we're actually becoming friends. He's been good company on the journey too, always there to raise my spirits.”

“Yeah, he is a nice lad, isn't he? My little brother has been like that since we were children, eternally bright and happy and if something were to change this, I am afraid I would be _very_ distressed.”

***snickt***

“Oh! Be careful! You should watch where you're waving that knife of yours. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt.”

“No we wouldn't, _would we_? I'm so glad that you understand.” ***departs***

“Um, understand what exactly?”

 


	2. Dwalin

“Halfling, come here a moment.”  
  
 ***Sigh***  
  
“What do you want? I have a name you know.”  
  
“And I'll use it when you earn my respect. Go stand in front of that tree.”  
  
“Um, okay. Here?”  
  
“Yup, right there. Now don't move.”  
  
 ***thunk* *whoosh* *scream* *thud* *snickt* *thunk***  
  
“Hah, I've still got it. Look at that spread.”  
  
“Yavanna's mercy. You could have killed me!”  
  
“Oh no, did you not see that pinpoint precision? If I wanted to kill you, you would be very, very dead and I trust you'll remember this when you think about doing something foolish. Right, _Bilbo_?”  
  
“Uh-huh. I'm gonna go pass out now.”

 

 


	3. Nori

“Have the others told you why I came on this quest?”  
  
“Hmm? Oh, no. I simply assumed you all wanted to reclaim your homeland.”  
  
“Not exactly, although that is the goal. But I was having a bit of trouble with the law back home, some minor misunderstandings really, and I needed to leave town.”  
  
“I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing too terrible I hope?”  
  
“No, no, just the basics: larceny, murder, that sort of thing. I wanted you to understand about the crowd I used to run with so you believe me when I say that I know a score of unsavory characters who owe me favors. The kind of people that you do _not_ want to meet in a dark alley some night.”  
  
“Ok...Why exactly are you telling me this?”  
  
“So that you understand that you cannot run far enough or fast enough to escape my reach. So that you recognize that I will track you down no matter how long it takes and make you pay for what you've done. Assuming of course that you do something requiring such measures before our journey's through.”  
  
 ***Gulp*** “I- I'll keep that in mind.”  
  
“See that you do.”

 

 


	4. Dori

“Hey Mr. Baggins.”  
  
“Oh, hi Dori. You can call me Bilbo, you know, since we're all traveling together. I'd like us to be friends.”  
  
“I'd like that too, and it would be such a shame if anything got in the way of this.”  
  
“Um, yes it would. But I don't think I've managed to offend anyone too badly, except maybe Thorin, and Dwalin. And possibly Nori. Kíli at least seems happy with me.”  
  
“Yes, he does. The lad has always trusted easily and we'd all be incredibly _displeased_ with anyone who made him regret it.”  
  
“Of course, you would, he deserves better than that. He's such a lovely soul.”  
  
“I'm glad you agree and I'm sure that we will be good friends after all. I just hope you don't make me change my mind because it's such a pain to wash blood out of these clothes.”  
  
 ***evil grin***  
  
 ***shudder***


	5. Bombur

“Hobbits really appreciate their food, don't they?”  
  
“I guess we do. I've never really thought about it because it just seems normal.”  
  
“Really? So do you cook yourself? How much do you know about wild herbs?”  
  
“Well I can whip up a mean souffle if I do say so myself. But I don't have much experience with seasoning outside of my herb garden back home.”  
  
“Right, right. So if I threw some qroun seeds in the soup, you'd still eat it?”  
  
“I mean I suppose, what are they?”  
  
“Oh they're just highly poisonous. It wouldn't be a problem for dwarves like us but for a little thing like you, paralysis and death for sure.”  
  
 _“Okay...?”_  
  
“Therefore you're not going to give me a reason to do something like that, _are you_?”  
  
“No sir! None at all.”  
  
“Good, good. Care to taste?”

 

 


	6. Glóin

***stare***  
  
“Sorry, did you need something?”  
  
“Oh no, I was only trying to figure out what Kíli sees in you. You're such a scrawny little thing.”  
  
“Well I _am_ a hobbit, we're not exactly known for being large.”  
  
“Hah! Of course not, neither are we. But you look like one hit from my battleaxe would take you out. Here, try to lift it.”  
  
“Wha-” ***thud*** “Ow.”  
  
“See scrawny.” ***laughs***  
  
“But Kíli does seem to consider you a friend so I suppose you must have other charms buried in that head of yours. So if you hurt him, I'm going to split it like a melon. Are we clear?”  
  
“Crystal. Absolutely crystal.”

 

 


	7. Bofur

“You know I really like you, Bilbo. You seem like a good sort.”  
  
“Oh, I like you too.”  
  
“Which is why I'm sorry to have to say this, but as his first cousin once-removed by marriage, it is my duty to warn you.”  
  
“Warn me about what?”  
  
“The terrible fate that is going to befall you if you take advantage of Kíli in any way. And since I'm not so good with fancy words like some of the others, I'll simply tell you straight. If you hurt the lad we are going to make your life such a living hell that you will beg for incineration before we're through...So do keep that in mind.”  
  
 ***cheerful smile***  
  
“I think I need air...”  
  
 ***faints***


	8. Ori

“I know that I'm no great warrior like the others but I do hope you realize this doesn't make me any less dangerous.”  
  
“Oh, no, don't worry. All of you dwarves seem plenty dangerous to me. Especially lately.”  
  
“Good, good. So when I show you these knitting needles and remind you that they are _very_ sharp, you _are_ going to heed my warning?”  
  
“Um, sure? Thanks for telling me. I'll be careful not to cut myself on them when I clean up.”  
  
“Right, and as long as you treat my friends like they deserve, these needles won't have to stab you either. It'd be such a shame if you had a tragic accident before our quest was even finished.”  
  
 ***squeak***  
  
“Yes, an...accident. I'll just be going now...if that's okay?”  
  
“Sure, sure.” ***glare*** “Just remember what I said.”

 

 


	9. Bifur

“Hi, how are you today?”

***smiles***

“Sul ghelekh barkûr ra turg."1

“That's good to hear...I think.”

“Kataühybr khibu. Kíli mahrakî zu.”2

“Sorry I don't understand. Something about Kíli?”

***nods***

“Kíli mahrakî zu ra khuzd tada bijebî âysîthi mud oshmâkhî dhi zurkur ughvashâhu. Ma katasharb!”3

***stabbing motion***

“Yes, the sword lessons have been going well. Though I'm still not very good.”

“Ma shândazu! Katasharabizu ra zatamaradi.” ***bares teeth and draws finger across throat*** 4

“Sure, yes! To whatever you're saying, yes.”

***growls***

“Ma zatâbhyûrizu galabur, zatâbhyûrizu mohilur!”5

***Raises hands and backs away slowly.***

“Uh-huh. I think I hear someone calling me...so, uh, bye.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you prefer not to know what Bifur is actually saying, feel free to ignore this note.  
> For those who are as neurotic as me, here's a rough translation of the Neo-Khuzdul.  
> Apologies for any mistakes, I'm a bit out of practice with conjugation.
> 
>  
> 
> Bifur's Dialogue: (click dialogue or just scroll up to return to story)
> 
> 1  
> All is well with axe and beard.  
> 
> 
> 2   
> Listen carefully now. Kíli likes you.   
> 
> 
> 3   
> Kíli likes you and a dwarf that chooses to take a wife must guard her as his greatest treasure. Do not humiliate him.   
> 
> 
> 4   
> You don't understand. You humiliate him and I will kill you.   
> 
> 
> 5   
> Do not be wise in words- be wise in deeds.


	10. Óin

“How are you feeling, Bilbo? No aches or pains?”  
  
“Oh no, I'm all right. Thank you.”  
  
“I am happy to hear that. I just wanted to reassure you that I am ready and able to treat any injury that you receive over the course of our journey.”  
  
“Thank you, that's comforting to hear.”  
  
“Unless of course you do something to make me angry. Then I'm afraid that I would have to show you just how well a healer can cause pain. If you understand what I mean?”  
  
“Yes, yes I think I do. Isn't that against some kind of healer's code?”  
  
“Not if you're my enemy. If you become my enemy then it is my duty to give you the most excruciating experience of your life. And I think you know how you become my enemy.”  
  
“Yes, fine, I swear I will not break Kíli's trust, okay? No enemies here and if there were I think you'd have to get in line.”  
  
“Don't be stupid. I'm the one they'd ask to patch you up afterward and I promise you this face would be the last thing you see in the world.”  
  
“Right, well. It's a good thing I've always been healthy then...Look over there.”  
  
“What?”  
  
 ***scuttles away***


	11. Balin

“Mr. Baggins, I must speak with you.”  
  
 ***sigh***  
  
“If this is about Kíli then I've heard it all before. I'm not going to betray his friendship so none of you will have to make me suffer.”  
  
“Oh no that's not it at all.”  
  
“You don't want to warn me about Kíli?”  
  
“Of course not. The lad can take care of himself and I'm sure he or Fíli would kill you long before the rest of us got there, though I would certainly take my pound of flesh as well. I'm here to warn you about Thorin.”  
  
“...What about Thorin?”  
  
“Bofur let it slip that Kíli likes you so I'm afraid our dear leader will be coming for you soon.”  
  
“C- Coming for me?”  
  
“Yes, do try not to die...and there he is now, so good luck.”  
  
“Wait, you can't just abandon me! Come back here and help me fend him off, or at least go get some help!”

 


	12. Thorin

“So burglar, I hear you've become rather cozy with my nephew these days.”  
  
“Nephew? Oh you mean Kíli? I didn't know you were related.”  
  
“That explains a great deal and now that you do know, we are going to discuss the matter of your friendship.”  
  
“What _about_ our friendship? Don't you all have anything better to do than threaten me? I've had just about enough of this and really what kind of uncle are you if it took you this long to notice?”  
  
“...I've had a lot on my mind what with trying to keep us all alive and all.”  
  
“And a bang up job of that you've been doing. If it wasn't for me and Gandalf we'd all be dead twice over.”  
  
“Don't change the subject! I'm here to threaten you not the other way around.”  
  
“Fine, fine. Threaten away.” ***encouraging wave***  
  
“Right then. As I was saying, my nephew appears to care about you greatly and if you hurt him I will kill you. I know many ways to kill a man, or hobbit, and I assure you that you would never see it coming. So you're going to treat him with respect, and kindness, and _no touching_ , or I am going to carve out your heart an-”  
  
“Uncle, _what_ are you doing?”  
  
 ***blanches***  
  
“Nothing Kíli, nothing at all. I was telling our burglar the proper way to treat an Heir of Durin's house.”  
  
“Really? Is that what you were talking about? Because I was pretty sure you were threatening to kill me.”  
  
“Threateni-... _Uncle!_ We're not even courting yet.”  
  
“Exactly, _yet_ , and now he'll think twice about it before you start.”  
  
“Wait, you want to court me?”  
  
 ***blush***  
  
“Well, I mean, only if you don't mind. I don't want to presume anything and we could just stay friends if you prefer.”  
  
“Uh-huh, and the really scary conversations I've been having with everyone were them warning me not to break your heart? I thought they just didn't want us to be friends, or all suddenly hated me.”  
  
“Everyone? Dammit uncle, I'm not a kid anymore! You don't all have to protect me.”  
  
“Of course we do. You're still my nephew and I won't have some hobbit playing with your heart.”  
  
“You don't have to worry about that.”  
  
“Really? You're not going to court him then? I am pleased to hear it.”  
  
“I didn't say that. I just said you don't have to worry about me playing around.”  
  
“So you do like me?” ***beams***  
  
“Of course, how could I not? I do think we should take it slow but I would love to court you and see where this thing leads.”  
  
“Whatever you want, this is fantastic. You're fantastic.” ***hugs, picks up, and twirls.***  
  
“I hope you know what you're doing hobbit. Or you might find yourself _indisposed_ after all.”  
  
 ***Laughs***  
  
“It's love, of course I don't know what I'm doing, but don't worry. I remember the warnings and I won't break your nephew's heart. I would feel terrible and you're hardly the scariest one I'd have to face.”  
  
  
 _End_

**Author's Note:**

> From this [prompt.](http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/1990.html?thread=1084870&#t1084870)
> 
> While this fic isn't as hard to understand as Not the Usual Type you can find the colored version [here.](http://rata-toskr.livejournal.com/12479.html)


End file.
